alright. lots of thoughts are brewing in my mind.

wedding plans. where we're going to live. my ical. work. life. all of the events that i have going on.

i am starting to panic. ok, that's a lie. i have been panicking. for awhile.

my moh finally gave me permission (because yes, i needed it) to just cry & breakdown when i needed to. to freak out when i felt like it, & to simply feel my emotions. sometimes, that is a very difficult thing for me to do especially when i think that i shouldnt be feeling the ridiculous emotions that i do.

anyway. i did a lot of thinking today while at work. a lot of thinking. processing through things that i had said the pervious night that had hurt someone's feelings. . . and just feeling sick about it & trying to figure out how those things work. how grace & kindness & forgiveness actually work.

i was listening to a playlist i had made and a random song came on, but it went within me & did something to me. it found a vulnerable place within me & i knew that i couldnt deny the work that was going on.

so. im attempting to walk through that & figure out what that means for me right now.

i dont like being uncomfortable. i also dont like constantly being the one who is seeking out people, attempting to build bridges, & having to be the one who starts that. there's something about that that prevents me from moving forward. period.

anyway. at the end of the day, i know there is grace. i know that the Lord is good. and kind.

so i wait upon the Lord. i wait for the green light or the red light or whatever else it may be.

the Lord knows me & knows me heart, and i think that counts for something.

until then, i will continue to eat dinner & watching a top chef or two.

until we meet again, my dear readers~

wow. it has been awhile since my last blog. ive typed out a few posts here & there but havent truly felt inspired.

nope, that's wrong. ive been inspired, just afraid to post.

my thoughts havent been completely straight & when that happens, i let my emotions totally overrun me.

here's to hoping this one sticks!

a lot has definitely happened since my last post!

lent ended. easter happened (one in the same). i got engaged.

ah! yep. it's true. im getting hitched! there is a date somewhat in the works, but we're keeping that under wraps until i get as many things done as i can.

and let me say. whoever says that getting engaged is fun! and great! and not stressful at all! well, theyre right about the getting engaged part, but the planning the wedding part. . . sheesh!!!

it's extremely stressful. but thankfully once it's done, it's done~!

anyway. moving on. . .

what else is new? ive been having stressful dreams. well, i should say i had stressful jeans. theyre slowly leaving my mind & im so thankful for that.

um, did i mention that im engaged?! :)

i'll definitely have to blog about how that all happened. . . it's a super crazy story & i cant wait to share it with you all! im just waiting for him to be able to type up his side of the story.

and then maybe we should blog about the true way that we met?. . . ? . . :)

anyway. i should jet. i have nothing inspirational to share. or exciting. so there's that!

enjoy your day. or night.

So. im realizing that i have a little bit of stress in my life.

how do i know that, you ask?

my dreams are keeping me up at night.

yes, you read that right. my dreams are keeping me awake. 

im at the point where i would welcome a dream about being stalked or chased or something of the sort.

instead, my dreams currently consist of people. yep, people in my every day life that have caused me major amounts of stressed. 

so instead of a peaceful sleep, im having to defend myself all through the night. and it's not like im just having to explain & just give details of what actually happened, i am screaming at them & yelling & cursing & crying just attempting to convey what i have to say. 

and im starting to find myself waking up wanting to yell. and actually crying. and wondering what in the world is going on with my mind.

im tired, and so ready to sleep at night. however, im finding that im attempting to keep myself asleep at night, so there is no chance of having these dreams. that needs to stop. this all needs to stop.

so im just trying to figure that all out. im attempting to sort through how to dream different dreams at night, or try thinking about sunshine & rainbows before i go to bed.

this is short, but definitely heavy on my mind.

and damn it, im tired. i need some sleep.

so here's to a good night's sleep.