well, im sitting at home while jason is at class. lots of thoughts have been running through my mind lately, & my mind has been dreaming super crazy dreams these last few nights... im pretty sure that i've been in multiple countries & have gone back to high school at least 3 times.

all of that being said... i've been debating about posting this since sunday but i feel that maybe im ready for it.

i find that i can sometimes get ahead of myself & maybe a process that im in, but i also find that if i write about things, i can process them a little easier. so, here goes.

i have been feeling extra insecure lately. i always have a bit of it within myself, but i just feel that im in a strange spot within myself right now. things that ive enjoyed, are as enjoyable to me. there are certain clothes that are deciding to not allow me into them as well as they used to. etc.

anyway, a friend was picking me up for church on sunday & if they hadnt driven such a long way, i probably would've texted her & said that i wasnt going to make it that morning. i was feeling awful about myself, couldnt find anything to wear, & was completely exhausted on top of all of that. but i went.

(later on, she told me that she had checked her phone all morning for a text saying i couldnt make it.)

anyway, i get to church in my jeans, non-heel boots, a long sleeve & my vest. not my usual church attire.

so church is it's usual wonderful self. it's the one place where i truly have gained life & truth from... i cannot get enough of it & love that i can say that i have a pastor is a true vessel of the Lord. . .

he was in fiery moment (which i love when he's like that) and he invites people up who need a blessing or prayer or just something extra to full them up.

i was fine. i didnt need any extra for the Lord. my hurts & trials are easy compared to others. why would i take part of that away from others & allow the Lord to fill myself?

Mick (pastor) then said that even if youre leaning towards the center of the aisle to walk up there... and what do you know... my right shoulder is a little closer to the center. so, i decide to just follow the Lord's moving within me & go to just ask for a little extra of the Lord to fill me. not a lot, because i dont need that much, but just a little.

clearly the Lord had something different in mind.

i felt someone touch my shoulder & start praying for me. the best part was that she was praying in tongues. ive never had that happen before & i felt overcome & overwhelmed by something greater than myself.

i then felt the familiar grip (full of kindness & love) of a dear friend who came to pray for me. i knew it was her & was so thankful that she would do that for me. to walk beside me in a moment of not knowing why i was even there.

and then... something almost miraculous happened. i felt a small, kind & gentle touch on my back. and the only way i can think to describe it is that of an angel. i know that for some of you it may sound absurd, and ive put off this post because of that, but my goodness. there's no other way to describe it other than that. i felt this angelic spirit surround me & it gave me such warmth & peace. after church, my friend told me who it was praying over me. i dont know who he is, but ive seen him at church & have felt a kindness radiate from him. it was an honor to have him pray for me.

after a bit i felt my friend's grip on my arm leave & felt another warm & kind presence. it was our pastor. i didnt even know that he knew me & i heard him speak (vaguely) and he said that he hoped he didnt embarrass me, but that he snaked his way over to me. and he just wanted to tell me that he knew i'd be there. he knew that i would be at that place, and at that moment. i dont remember if there was anything else, but that was enough for me.

and i was undone. i felt like the Lord has something great to speak to me or pour into me. i was grateful to have a moment to be vulnerable with the Lord & to just pray. ive had all of these crazy feelings lately & have been trying to sort out things in my life.. so to have a moment where i knew that i was covered in prayer was almost an answer to my prayers.

i proceeded to go sit down & just sort of floated through the rest of the service. i love that i go to a church full of love & kindness & a place that preaches the true meaning of grace.

i was chatting with my friend about it during lunch & she gave me a little more insight into the happenings during the prayer invite. i dont remember much of it, but i know that the Lord met me where i needed it.

and i would usually be looking into everything & attempting to figure it all out, and i am, but im also trying to allow the Lord to work within me.

i feel as if a seed has been planted within me... that im being trained for something greater than myself. there are really no words to describe it other than just full of love & grace.

im finding that certain thoughts that i have are becoming jumbled & are then changing into kind thoughts that are full of grace.

and i know that, for some of you, this is probably a very strange post & youre wondering how this all works. to be completely honest with you, i dont even know how it works!

however, i do know this: i trust the Lord. i trust (and know) that He will make all things work out for good in some way.

so for now, i will wait. i will wait on the Lord & what he has in store for me .it's not easy to not know everything, but this experience was different. and i feel like it's so worth all of my waiting & wanting to know.

this song has been playing through my mind lately, so i'll share it with you. i cry every time i hear it because it touches something within me that i just cannot explain.

so, here's the waiting on the Lord & to knowing that His timing is so much greater than mine. . .

love to you all~
L

i will wait ~mumford & sons

Well I came home

Like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust

Which we've known

Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down wait for now

And I'll kneel down

Know my ground

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

So break my step

And relent

Well you forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold

As well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes

A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down

Wait for now

I'll kneel down

Know my ground

Raise my hands

Paint my spirit gold

And bow my head

Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

(emphasis added by me)

  

i had a blog typed out but am deciding to just do an update.

i left the job i started after 1/2 hour of being there. it was not as the email described & i know that my skills are a little... well not what they were looking for. so, i will not be a computer board manufacturer for now ;)

i have nothing nice to say about really anyone tonight, so im going to stop.

not only for my sake, but my husband's sake as well.

damn it. sometimes i would really like to just be a bitch.

but not tonight.

i need to stop now before i throw some whiskey into the mix ;)

enjoy.

alright, my battery is dying & i should attempt to get to bed early, so i'll try to make it quick.

i start a new job tomorrow. my first since my wonderful job that i had to leave when i got married. . .

im nervous. im not sure if ive touched base on it here or not, but i have been struggling with anxiety a lot lately. and hardcore.

my latest episodes usually end with my worshipping the porcelain throne & i am terrified that will happen tomorrow.

actually, i think im afraid that i'll cry. i dont want to cry.

im super excited to start something new, but my personality doesnt allow for me to not be good at things right away. i find that if i dont catch onto something, then i give up because i feel dumb & hate feeling dumb.

i really hate that.

so, im trying to tell myself the truth. im trying to give myself grace & kindness & to let the Lord fill me where i need to be filled.

i watched the Help the other day & i just love this. . .

"you is smart. you is kind. you is important."

yes. that's true. i do feel like i am all of those things.

and then anxiety & fear & insecurities creep in. and they tell me

"you are mean. and dumb. and clearly not as important as those around you."

i know that's not truth, or from the Lord, but it's hard to dig yourself out from those thoughts.

and that's what ive been trying to do lately. just dig myself out. to be kind when others are not. to listen to the truth when it is spoken into my life.

i find that when my heart is in the right place, & when im kind with others, i can be a little kinder towards myself.

so, there it is. my alarm will go off at 615am & i will leave here at 650. i'll sip my coffee & take a few moments to be kind to myself & to allow the Lord to fill me with what i need for the day.

id appreciate your prayers & kind thoughts. i know they work. ive felt them.

cheers to you all~
L

ps: thanks to my husband & bff for walking closely through this with me. thanks for telling me truth & kindness when i need it most~

i have nothing really witty or funny or smart to say today.

my mind is filled with thoughts about everything & im trying to sort them all out.

im watching Ellen & she's talking about bullying, so of course my mind goes there. 

i was thinking about my husband & some things we've been talking about & my mind goes to bullying.

i hate talking about this topic because it's a topic that shouldnt be around. 

we shouldnt have to worry about people being mean or unkind. 

and then my mind goes to my own thoughts & how unkind they are sometimes. 

im not perfect & have found myself, more often than not, filling my mind with anger & hurt & sadness & everything else that goes along with that. 

so here's my confession: i fail more often than i succeed. i've reached out & tried to do the right thing & be kind, but damn it i dont want to be.

i want to be angry at the ones who hurt me & sometimes i hope that someday it will all come back & bite them in the ass. 

it's wrong & mean but sometimes that is just how i feel. 

and then there are other days where i pray that the Lord will show kindness when i cannot. 

i hate having anger in my heart.

from what ive learned over the years, it's not that im necessarily angry... it's that im hurt. 

my feelings are hurt. and at times i believe purposefully hurt which is even worse! ugh.

i know that i write about this often, but that's what ive got right now. this is where i let out my thoughts & how i feel & hope that something good can maybe come out of it. 

that's what im hoping for. i believe that the Lord works all things out for good & i am definitely praying that. 

right now it's kind of hard to see it, but maybe it's there? 

i dont know. these thoughts are full of rambling and im feeling insecure. 

So, i'll finish this out. 

have a wonderful fall evening.

be kind. and if youre like me & cant always succeed at that, please dont worry. there's grace. 

this is going to be a quickly typed post, so please excuse the millions of errors that will occur.

im watching 7th Heaven (i love reruns of this show) & it's an episode that touches on the topic of how men treat women. pinching butts, calling names, and lack of respect in general.

i completely broke down. 

all of these thoughts & accusations & offenses came rushing back into my mind in a split second. names that i have been called, whether to my face or behind my back. texts written about me (and to me) by men AND women. 

the thing is, i know that these names are NOT OK to be used, but we are so desensitized to what is going on around us. 

women call other women names. men call women names. women call men names. 

what is with that? 

when did we think it was OK to do these things to other people.

i remember being called names starting in kindergarten.

and it has continued ever since.

i've heard conversations where the person has purposefully spoken so i could hear the hateful words said about me.

i was the only member not allowed into the "lauren hating club" in 1st grade. probably because they didnt want me in it. . . 

ive been referred to as the crazy wife of a very famous band from the 60s. 

i have been called a bitch more times than i can count.

but i'm not innocent either. 

ive said my fair share of words that i know have hurt people's feelings.

i have referred to a girl as a name i wish i wouldnt have.

im not always the nicest when it comes to things i say to my husband.

im not saying im perfect.

but i hope to be. and strive to be.

be kind. please.

it's not easy. 

and when confronted with hatred, it's easier to be hateful back.

i find that when i have a hard time with someone, i dont pray for them.

i pray for myself. 

that my heart will be changed. 

that i will be able to love as the Lord continues to love me.

and it's one of the hardest things that i do.

but it's good, too.

i feel my heart actually changing.

i feel my soul & mind being filled with love & kindness.

yes, there are wounds that are deeper & a lot harder to heal.

and like i said earlier, im not perfect & dont claim to be.

but i try. really i do. 

and i think it's a start. and that it counts for something.

so here's to kindness.

kind actions.

kind words.

kind thoughts.

not only for others, but for yourself as well.

loving your neighbors as yourself means that you need to love yourself, too.

thanks for reading.

love really does win.

i feel refreshed today. 

the seasons are changing.

not only weather wise.

but in my life as well.

and im enjoying it.

im attempting to find my groove.

trying to love well.

striving to face the day with kindness.

that's today. 

here's to hoping tomorrow's the same~

i have a blog reader from minneapolis.

i have no idea who you are, but i do notice that you check my blog multiple times a day!

you should reveal your identity somehow.

otherwise im going to keep thinking that youre a crazy stalker! 

that's all for now! 

:)