adventure

im sitting at my sister's house in the cities. im preparing to hop on an airplane for an adventure.
i have to wake up at 4am. and then leave by 5am.
im not tired. i am completely wide awake.
that is all i am sharing with you, my faithful blog readers.

courageously helping continue a life goal,
lauren

2010: Music Edition

Alright blog world. I kind of wanted to highlight some of my favorite things of 2010. 


i decided that since music plays such a huge part in my life, that i figured it was only fitting that i start with that. 


ok. so what did i buy on itunes this year? what consumed most of my driving in my car time? Well... here are my top however many of 2010. in no particular order.


Arcade Fire- The Suburbs
Brandon Flowers- Flamingo
Crazy Heart Soundtrack
John Mayer- Battle Studies
Jon Foreman- Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall
Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More
The Brothers Bloom Soundtrack
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Pomplamoose- Covers




Thats all ive got so far. ill keep thinking and editing.


courageously not adding glee to that list,
lauren

you know when you feel like you might just start bursting at the seams of your entire being?


im there.


courageously lskajdf; lkdjsa;lsdkjfa ;,
lauren

ps

when i say blizzard, i mean blizzard. 

courageously walked a block in this weather,

lauren

thoughts

so there is a blizzard roaring outside. and i feel like there is a blizzard brewing in my mind as well. 


let me rephrase that. a year ago, there would have been a blizzard in my mind. a year ago i didnt have the tools that i have now to tell myself the truth and to help keep my head on its shoulders. a year ago these thoughts racing wouldve shut me down for the rest of the day, if not a couple days, if not a good week. a year ago i wouldve probably run from these thoughts and set them aside as unrealistic. a year ago i wouldve shut down and just not have been able to function because my mind would be racing so much.


im thankful that this is not the case anymore.


im thankful that i can process thoughts in a healthy way. im thankful that the thoughts that are running through my mind, are not racing. im thankful that im able to turn them off and enjoy life. im thankful that i can turn them on and off at healthy moments in time. im thankful that i can share my experiences and maybe help someone else through difficult moments in their life. im thankful that God has given me different gifts. im thankful that i can look back on everything and be grateful. im thankful that i can say these things. a year ago, i wouldve just walked away~


im thankful for many things right now. im thankful for the thoughts that are stirring in my mind. im thankful that they are good. and true. and that they arent causing me stress. but almost giving me life.


i cant share my thoughts with you. i can barely share my thoughts with myself. but im hoping its soon. im trusting the Lord with everything in my life~


courageously feeling ok,
lauren

humble thyself

Ok. so i can already tell and feel that this post is going to be jumping all over the place. My mind is racing, and so much has been going on in my life lately that im not even going to try to catch everyone up. instead im going to fill you in on bits and pieces, and leave you (the reader) wanting more... or ill just be quiet and start typing~!


So lately i have had a lot going on in my life and on my mind. im realizing that im not getting enough sleep. im anxious. im happy. ive been crying for every possible emotion that i might be feeling. i was talking with a friend of mine and she was like yeah. you should be tired. you have a lot going on in your life right now, and are making big decisions, even if you arent necessarily acting on them. yes. thank you. its like i needed permission to feel my feelings and be completely honest about them. she then told me it was OK to take a nap when i needed to... score!


That all being said... im also working a lot. tis the season for christmas cheer and retail! the hours are becoming later, and next week im up to 30 hours on top of my nannying hours. it will be fine. i will be tired. it will at least help the days to pass a little faster, and get me to the end of 2010~


so we're hiring more people. some of them are great! one of the girls is sweet and fun, and i really enjoy working with her. others.... its been a bit annoying. nope. annoying is a bad word. 


ok. so i work in the tool section. there is a mutual respect between the tool guys, and myself that we have just assumed that everyone knows. yes, i am a cashier, but its nice to have them ask me i can ring something up for them. its nice to know that they respect me and the work that i do, and at the same time i will respect them and the work that they do. its this great thing. i (sometimes) know that they will have my back and look out for me when needed (thats a whole nother story...). Also, another thing that they will do is take out the garbage for me at the end of the night. its the right thing to do. yes, i understand that i am perfectly capable of taking the garbage out myself, HOWEVER. there are some things that i feel like the guys can do. call it whatever you may, but those are my thoughts.


So, tonight it was me, 2 usual tool guys and a new one. ive been finding it really difficult to work with him because i cant get a read on him. that, and i dont feel that there is necessarily this respect thing going on. its just this thing where he is not necessarily kind to me, and i feel he is very rude towards me. whatever.


ok. so i decided to make an effort tonight. i decided that i would ask some questions about his life and get to know him, and just try and see if i can get some insight into him. i tried. i attempted. i got nowhere. it was strange and awkward. so the end of the night starts rolling around, and im counting the registers, and making sure everything is getting done on time. i kindly asked him if he would just make sure to grab the garbage before he left for the night. yeah. i was then greeted with an im sorry. im working. you do it. 
ok. whoa. yeah. thanks. you punk! you little punk who has shown me no respect and who has just not been very nice to me! grrr! (that was my first reaction)


So what do i do? i go vent to the 2 mikes. i decided that i was going to vent, and just get them on my side because i knew that i was right. how dare he not take out the garbage for me?! so i go over there and tell them whats going on. they look at me with this expression of "really? really lauren?" plastered all over their faces. my manager told me that yeah. he is working. you can take out the damn garbage.
wait. what?! they arent going to take my side on this? come on! i know for sure that i am in the right here! he is completely wrong...... right?


and then it hits me. all of these thoughts come rushing in. theyre right. he is working. why cant i just take out the damn garbage? i can! its not hard. its so easy. its really not even a big deal.


so whats the big deal? im not sure. what i do know is that i was wrong. its not hard for me to take out the garbage. and i did it. i did it with a crappy attitude too.


so whats the point of this blog? its really just a place for me to say and admit that i was wrong. to own up to the fact that yes, maybe im just being a bratty girl and complaining too much. maybe i just need to suck i up and take out the garbage. 


i was talking with a friend the other day, and he was telling me about his job. his awful job that he is dealing with. its hard. i know that it is taking a lot out of him. i know these things. that being said... whenever we get a chance to talk for a bit he will take a couple of minutes, vent (ok. it really shouldnt be called venting because he is VERY calm about it), and then move on saying that he feels he is complaining too much. 
wow. talk about a lesson in humility. his story has truly been making me think about how much i complain about my jobs. about how much i complain in general. ugh. it just makes me feel embarrassed for myself.


all of that being said.... i am so grateful for the gift of grace. i am so grateful that the Lord brings me places in my life of discovery, and awkwardness. im even more grateful for the fact that i know He will not leave me there. im so grateful that i can have a hope for that. i have this new thing that i am telling myself. it gets me through my day. it gets me through hours. it gets me through moments big and small. ill just give part of it: "i trust the Lord. i trust the Lord in me."


Wow. its taken me a little less than a year to be able to say that. and i mean every word of that. i believe every word of that. i do trust the Lord, and his work in me. 


Wow. that was a post. but i just needed to air it. to let it out. to be honest about my feelings. to let the world (haha) know that im making mistakes. that im allowing the Lord to do good works through me~


check this song out. i love it. its really speaking to me tonight~


courageously being humbled,
lauren

Holy Holy Holy

The video isnt amazing by any means 
but the song is.


Sufjan Stevens: Holy, Holy, Holy




courageously being blessed,
lauren

bravery

Ok. so i have had about 4-5 blog posts in the works these last couple of weeks, and yet i have not felt that they were the "right ones" to post. im not sure what it is. i think its a mixture of having too many thoughts at one time, and being afraid of how they would come across to my readers. that being said, i just need to post this one as soon as i am done typing it and not reread it. Ok. here goes~

So my whole thing about starting this blog was to do big things. to do great things. to document brave & courageous things that i have done, or maybe am thinking about doing. i will admit that i have done some brave things. i have documented some brave things. i have not documented others. 

Well lately i have been thinking about the things that i have been doing that i would normally think of as bravery. the funny thing is, to me they dont feel so brave anymore. its not taking me a big deal of extra effort, because im different. ive changed. i can do big things now! it feels so great! im not losing my mind when i have to go to work in the afternoons on friday. before it completely destroyed me. Now, bring on friday! bring on changes of plans. bring on i dont know... but something!

im not saying that i can do everything. but i am saying that ive grown. i have new tools. new skills. a new outlook on life. 

i made a big decision this past week, and normally i would think of it as this great big brave thing. however, it needs to be done. it doesnt seem like some great big brave action. yes, when i talk to me bff she reminds me that it is. And i understand that it is, but sometimes things need to be done. and sometimes they just feel so right that it doesnt even seem like a brave thing to do. it feels like the right thing~

that being said, im still working hard at working my life out. im still gaining new tools and learning new things. the only difference is that im different. yes i will probably be fighting the same battles out for the rest of my life, and yes they will still be hard. but like i said, the difference is that i am different. i have new tools. skills. wisdom. i feel like a completely different person, but in a good way. and as im typing this im crying because i know that i am a different person. and by different i mean that i feel like i am the original Lauren. im the Lauren the the LORD put here on this earth. ive torn down walls. ive built altars of thanksgiving unto the Lord. i have torn down walls that have separated me from who i was truly meant to be. as im typing this its as if i am having this great revelation about everything. maybe not a revelation, but it just feels so good to get it all out there. its like i could shout from the highest building. 

wow. this has not been the post that i thought it was going to be, but i know that it was needed. i needed to get these words out. there are so many great things going on in my life right now, that i feel as if im offering up incense offerings to the Lord. 

ok. i need to get ready to jet off to work. nannying. in the afternoon. on a friday. a little less than a year ago, this wouldve made my day awful. today? im feeling really great about it. the snow is falling. the girls and i will play for a bit. they will take a nap. and i will remember what all of those feelings felt like, and i will praise and thank the Lord of all for how im feeling right now. 

Please check out this video. 

courageously becoming new~

lauren