alright, my battery is dying & i should attempt to get to bed early, so i'll try to make it quick.

i start a new job tomorrow. my first since my wonderful job that i had to leave when i got married. . .

im nervous. im not sure if ive touched base on it here or not, but i have been struggling with anxiety a lot lately. and hardcore.

my latest episodes usually end with my worshipping the porcelain throne & i am terrified that will happen tomorrow.

actually, i think im afraid that i'll cry. i dont want to cry.

im super excited to start something new, but my personality doesnt allow for me to not be good at things right away. i find that if i dont catch onto something, then i give up because i feel dumb & hate feeling dumb.

i really hate that.

so, im trying to tell myself the truth. im trying to give myself grace & kindness & to let the Lord fill me where i need to be filled.

i watched the Help the other day & i just love this. . .

"you is smart. you is kind. you is important."

yes. that's true. i do feel like i am all of those things.

and then anxiety & fear & insecurities creep in. and they tell me

"you are mean. and dumb. and clearly not as important as those around you."

i know that's not truth, or from the Lord, but it's hard to dig yourself out from those thoughts.

and that's what ive been trying to do lately. just dig myself out. to be kind when others are not. to listen to the truth when it is spoken into my life.

i find that when my heart is in the right place, & when im kind with others, i can be a little kinder towards myself.

so, there it is. my alarm will go off at 615am & i will leave here at 650. i'll sip my coffee & take a few moments to be kind to myself & to allow the Lord to fill me with what i need for the day.

id appreciate your prayers & kind thoughts. i know they work. ive felt them.

cheers to you all~
L

ps: thanks to my husband & bff for walking closely through this with me. thanks for telling me truth & kindness when i need it most~

i have nothing really witty or funny or smart to say today.

my mind is filled with thoughts about everything & im trying to sort them all out.

im watching Ellen & she's talking about bullying, so of course my mind goes there. 

i was thinking about my husband & some things we've been talking about & my mind goes to bullying.

i hate talking about this topic because it's a topic that shouldnt be around. 

we shouldnt have to worry about people being mean or unkind. 

and then my mind goes to my own thoughts & how unkind they are sometimes. 

im not perfect & have found myself, more often than not, filling my mind with anger & hurt & sadness & everything else that goes along with that. 

so here's my confession: i fail more often than i succeed. i've reached out & tried to do the right thing & be kind, but damn it i dont want to be.

i want to be angry at the ones who hurt me & sometimes i hope that someday it will all come back & bite them in the ass. 

it's wrong & mean but sometimes that is just how i feel. 

and then there are other days where i pray that the Lord will show kindness when i cannot. 

i hate having anger in my heart.

from what ive learned over the years, it's not that im necessarily angry... it's that im hurt. 

my feelings are hurt. and at times i believe purposefully hurt which is even worse! ugh.

i know that i write about this often, but that's what ive got right now. this is where i let out my thoughts & how i feel & hope that something good can maybe come out of it. 

that's what im hoping for. i believe that the Lord works all things out for good & i am definitely praying that. 

right now it's kind of hard to see it, but maybe it's there? 

i dont know. these thoughts are full of rambling and im feeling insecure. 

So, i'll finish this out. 

have a wonderful fall evening.

be kind. and if youre like me & cant always succeed at that, please dont worry. there's grace. 

this is going to be a quickly typed post, so please excuse the millions of errors that will occur.

im watching 7th Heaven (i love reruns of this show) & it's an episode that touches on the topic of how men treat women. pinching butts, calling names, and lack of respect in general.

i completely broke down. 

all of these thoughts & accusations & offenses came rushing back into my mind in a split second. names that i have been called, whether to my face or behind my back. texts written about me (and to me) by men AND women. 

the thing is, i know that these names are NOT OK to be used, but we are so desensitized to what is going on around us. 

women call other women names. men call women names. women call men names. 

what is with that? 

when did we think it was OK to do these things to other people.

i remember being called names starting in kindergarten.

and it has continued ever since.

i've heard conversations where the person has purposefully spoken so i could hear the hateful words said about me.

i was the only member not allowed into the "lauren hating club" in 1st grade. probably because they didnt want me in it. . . 

ive been referred to as the crazy wife of a very famous band from the 60s. 

i have been called a bitch more times than i can count.

but i'm not innocent either. 

ive said my fair share of words that i know have hurt people's feelings.

i have referred to a girl as a name i wish i wouldnt have.

im not always the nicest when it comes to things i say to my husband.

im not saying im perfect.

but i hope to be. and strive to be.

be kind. please.

it's not easy. 

and when confronted with hatred, it's easier to be hateful back.

i find that when i have a hard time with someone, i dont pray for them.

i pray for myself. 

that my heart will be changed. 

that i will be able to love as the Lord continues to love me.

and it's one of the hardest things that i do.

but it's good, too.

i feel my heart actually changing.

i feel my soul & mind being filled with love & kindness.

yes, there are wounds that are deeper & a lot harder to heal.

and like i said earlier, im not perfect & dont claim to be.

but i try. really i do. 

and i think it's a start. and that it counts for something.

so here's to kindness.

kind actions.

kind words.

kind thoughts.

not only for others, but for yourself as well.

loving your neighbors as yourself means that you need to love yourself, too.

thanks for reading.

love really does win.

i feel refreshed today. 

the seasons are changing.

not only weather wise.

but in my life as well.

and im enjoying it.

im attempting to find my groove.

trying to love well.

striving to face the day with kindness.

that's today. 

here's to hoping tomorrow's the same~

i have a blog reader from minneapolis.

i have no idea who you are, but i do notice that you check my blog multiple times a day!

you should reveal your identity somehow.

otherwise im going to keep thinking that youre a crazy stalker! 

that's all for now! 

:)

fear has been show its face a lot lately.

i usually go through spurts where im not able to sleep at night. those spurts usually last a couple of weeks or so, & are then followed by nights/days of extreme exhaustion as my body is attempting to catch up with what it has lost. 

i find that happening lately, but it seems a lot different than it has before. 

what usually keeps me awake is just being wide awake. my mind races with thoughts that are completely unstoppable, but that could wait until the next day. or i lie awake & think about the next day's events & how to make a good plan for them. 

that's not the case this time. what keeps me awake at night has been fear & anxiety as to what could possibly happen while im trying to fall asleep or while im actually sleeping. 

im not one for watching scary movies or tv shows. at night my dreams are very vivid & some can be terrifying, so why would i add fuel to the fire?

however, if i have seen a scary movie or show, it's right before i start falling asleep where all of those thoughts creep into my mind & attempt to overpower me. 

i try everything that i know to do. i pray in Jesus' name. i try to get my mind to switch gears & think about happier things. 

but that hasnt been working lately. 

so, i'll take a sleep aid & walk groggily through the next day. 

but i dont want to do that either. 

the other day i remembered a verse i had learned when i was just a little kiddo at bible camp. it was the theme verse & the first verse i really remember memorizing & having it actually stick with me. 

"God hasn't given us a spirit of fear. But of power, and of love & of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7

I can still see the puppets they used to help us memorize it. heck, i can still hear them saying it like it was yesterday!

the point is, that is a verse that i have had on my heart a lot lately & im glad that i remember it. i need to say it to myself daily as a reminder to not have fear. . . to not be afraid. 

so here's to a spirit of power. a spirit of love. and a sound mind.  

lately ive been finding myself extremely thankful. 

for this man.

(Photo Cred: Heath Studios)

he works full-time at a job that he enjoys. 

and on certain days of the week, he goes to class where he's pursuing his masters in psychology. 

he's the lead singer of a band, Modern Day Ruin. and he rocks. (seriously, he does.)

he loves ketel one vodka. more specifically a ketel one martini. shaken. and dirty.

we met on eharmony & always kiss when we see a commercial for it.

our first day consisted of sushi, ice cream & drinks. 

we kissed on our first date. 

we started dating 1 year ago tomorrow (sept. 5th). he asked me after we had made out in his truck on a gravel road. 

it's moments like those that you love a good small town.

we have been married 2.5 months.

(Photo Cred: Heath Studios)

we had been married for 2 months when we celebrated 1 year of knowing each other. 

he's an outdoorsman who loves hunting & fishing. 

we went canoeing on our honeymoon. there was nothing better than seeing him in his element. 

he puts up with my every day. even after he's had a long day at work.

im not sure how he does it. any of it. 

but he does. and he loves me. 

and im forever grateful for that.

(Photo Cred. Heath Studios)

this picture is one of the many reasons i love him.

he's just as big of a goober as i am.

im thankful he loves me. im thankful that i met him. 

it's not always easy. and it has definitely been difficult. 

but i wouldnt want to do this with anyone else.

love you Jas. 

here's to another year of being together. 

plus many more.