do you ever feel as if you've been duped by the world?

or perhaps, by yourself?

your thoughts & ideas & ambitions & longings & great ideas & everything else you once thought were wonderful, are simply just another thing to check off your list?

maybe it's not that ive dubed myself, but rather ive just gotten tired of such things.

the thought of nannying makes me cringe now, but i have fond memories of it earlier.

the thought of staying at home & cleaning & not having a job. (im an extrovert. i need people.)

now dont get me wrong, i enjoy these things, but my younger self is to blame.

i wonder if we all feel that way sometimes.

usually i feel that i've let my younger self down & now i feel as if the roles are reversing.

i dreamt of great things that i thought were attainable.

however, i am currently not winning an academy award or a grammy.

------------------

but maybe it's what i needed at the time? something to look forward to. something to dream about while i spent my nights babysitting or reading a book or whatever else i did when i was younger.

maybe those thoughts & dreams were my escape.

either way it's still annoying. and no matter which way you turn it, i feel misled by my dreaming 13 year old self.


who thought she'd be married to an NBA star (boy am i glad that didnt work out).


there really is no point to this post other than to mark the moment. to almost feel relief that im where i should be (i hope) no matter how swindled i feel.


i'll still keep dreaming unrealistic dreams.

and in another 10 years, i'll say the same things again~
L

Hmm. writing again. a friend of mine sent me a message & said to write again soon. . . pleeeeeeaaasssssse. just like that.

so i figured id give it another go. we'll see what happens.

you know what, im sitting here trying to think of all the things i could write about, & fear is cropping up all over the place. i know i wrote about this before, but maybe i'll write about it again.

im afraid to share my life. im afraid that something will happen & i'll get into trouble. i dont want that to happen. i would hate for that to happen.

but then again, i also flip the other way: i hate meanness. i cannot stand when people say one thing, & then do another.

something that ive learned these past few months is who relationships can switch & then watching to see what happens within those relationships.

have you seen the movie "Miracle"? you know, the one with the USA hockey team? where the coach, Herb Brooks, makes it so that he is everyone's enemy? but then they gather together because of that?

that's how i feel. i have somehow turned into an enemy of a few people, & miraculously people who hated other people are now best friends. why? because they can gather against me.

the thing is, it's ok. . . sometimes.

i think that being up in the city without my core group of friends has been a little tricky. thankfully im married to a man that loves me for me.

but it's still a little difficult.

so. what do  you do about that?

i feel like completely pressing into the Lord. i find myself praying for others who i dont want to pray for. i find myself craving music that will feed my soul. i find myself in moments of vulnerability with the Lord, & it's good.

so im just trying to remind myself of these truths & to be kind & give grace to myself.

that's maybe the most difficult part. ive been reminding myself of loving thy neighbors as thyself.

i just need to remember to love myself.

anyway. i do want to leave you with a song that has been on my heart on & off for the past few weeks & now daily. i just need to make dinner & listen to it over & over. i always need that reminder~

you are loved.
lauren


Jerusalem by Randall Goodgame


"Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
Great or small, my portion be/
still I know you fill the sea, you fill the sea/

Chorus:
[I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
Holy of Holies, the Lord dwells within/
Lord God almighty, maker of men/
I am Jersusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/]

And of Aaron's tribe, only a chosen few/
Dare to lift the veil, come and dwell with you/
Then you came to die, oh but not to fail/
Behold the Lamb, the Lamb that tore the veil/

(chorus)

Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
From the tempter's charm, spirit hold me sway/
and with the leper's joy, Lord I'll obey, yes I'll obey/
(chorus)

ive been wanting to blog for the past few... months, but havent. 

believe it or not, ive actually been afraid.

who's reading my blog? who is taking some of this knowledge & judging me for it? who's angry? who's feelings are hurt this time? when is this moment of vulnerability going to come back & kick me in the butt?

that's what im up against. i know that some of it is probably true & some probably isnt, but that's what ive got.

so, this is me putting my toes back into the water.

i got engaged (i'll type up that story). im married. i live in the big city, too.

i miss my best friend.

but im happy to be married. really super duperly happy that im married to someone who loves me for me.

im attempting to find myself in a new stage of life. new surroundings. new challenges. new everything.

anyway. that's about all ive got for now. it's enough to make me want to drink the rest of my mini-margarita plus 10 more.

so do not fear, readers. i'll be back. hopefully more often than before. it'll just take some time.

adieu.
Lauren

. . .

Im marrying this man in 11.5 days!!!!!

that's all :)

alright. lots of thoughts are brewing in my mind.

wedding plans. where we're going to live. my ical. work. life. all of the events that i have going on.

i am starting to panic. ok, that's a lie. i have been panicking. for awhile.

my moh finally gave me permission (because yes, i needed it) to just cry & breakdown when i needed to. to freak out when i felt like it, & to simply feel my emotions. sometimes, that is a very difficult thing for me to do especially when i think that i shouldnt be feeling the ridiculous emotions that i do.

anyway. i did a lot of thinking today while at work. a lot of thinking. processing through things that i had said the pervious night that had hurt someone's feelings. . . and just feeling sick about it & trying to figure out how those things work. how grace & kindness & forgiveness actually work.

i was listening to a playlist i had made and a random song came on, but it went within me & did something to me. it found a vulnerable place within me & i knew that i couldnt deny the work that was going on.

so. im attempting to walk through that & figure out what that means for me right now.

i dont like being uncomfortable. i also dont like constantly being the one who is seeking out people, attempting to build bridges, & having to be the one who starts that. there's something about that that prevents me from moving forward. period.

anyway. at the end of the day, i know there is grace. i know that the Lord is good. and kind.

so i wait upon the Lord. i wait for the green light or the red light or whatever else it may be.

the Lord knows me & knows me heart, and i think that counts for something.

until then, i will continue to eat dinner & watching a top chef or two.

until we meet again, my dear readers~

wow. it has been awhile since my last blog. ive typed out a few posts here & there but havent truly felt inspired.

nope, that's wrong. ive been inspired, just afraid to post.

my thoughts havent been completely straight & when that happens, i let my emotions totally overrun me.

here's to hoping this one sticks!

a lot has definitely happened since my last post!

lent ended. easter happened (one in the same). i got engaged.

ah! yep. it's true. im getting hitched! there is a date somewhat in the works, but we're keeping that under wraps until i get as many things done as i can.

and let me say. whoever says that getting engaged is fun! and great! and not stressful at all! well, theyre right about the getting engaged part, but the planning the wedding part. . . sheesh!!!

it's extremely stressful. but thankfully once it's done, it's done~!

anyway. moving on. . .

what else is new? ive been having stressful dreams. well, i should say i had stressful jeans. theyre slowly leaving my mind & im so thankful for that.

um, did i mention that im engaged?! :)

i'll definitely have to blog about how that all happened. . . it's a super crazy story & i cant wait to share it with you all! im just waiting for him to be able to type up his side of the story.

and then maybe we should blog about the true way that we met?. . . ? . . :)

anyway. i should jet. i have nothing inspirational to share. or exciting. so there's that!

enjoy your day. or night.

So. im realizing that i have a little bit of stress in my life.

how do i know that, you ask?

my dreams are keeping me up at night.

yes, you read that right. my dreams are keeping me awake. 

im at the point where i would welcome a dream about being stalked or chased or something of the sort.

instead, my dreams currently consist of people. yep, people in my every day life that have caused me major amounts of stressed. 

so instead of a peaceful sleep, im having to defend myself all through the night. and it's not like im just having to explain & just give details of what actually happened, i am screaming at them & yelling & cursing & crying just attempting to convey what i have to say. 

and im starting to find myself waking up wanting to yell. and actually crying. and wondering what in the world is going on with my mind.

im tired, and so ready to sleep at night. however, im finding that im attempting to keep myself asleep at night, so there is no chance of having these dreams. that needs to stop. this all needs to stop.

so im just trying to figure that all out. im attempting to sort through how to dream different dreams at night, or try thinking about sunshine & rainbows before i go to bed.

this is short, but definitely heavy on my mind.

and damn it, im tired. i need some sleep.

so here's to a good night's sleep.